"Dr. Von Kaiser" makes Slamdance semifinalist

We got two pieces of coverage (read: feedback) from the Slamdance competition.

"Dr. Von Kaiser" is a teleplay by John M. Osborne, based on story and characters by Aaron Matthew Kaiser and Michael Callahan.

Slamdance Teleplay Competition
Coverage for Dr. von Kaiser (Reader #38189)

Evaluation:

It's a very cute and imaginative piece. The writer has a great imagination and weaves an original world with wonderful characters, elements and details. The script feels more like a feature or an animated series as it's a bit cartoony. It's hard to imagine this series lasting over time. It seems limited as we follow a villain without a superhero, having the same goal week after week. The future storylines tell of other types of stories but they weren't really set up in the pilot.

What works:

There are some really cute and imaginative elements. The minion-making machine is wonderful. The minions are cute and a great running joke and device. There is some great comedy here, with things like demanding chocolate along with the $10 million, or that there is a fund for such emergencies.

What doesn't work:

The script is cute but feels more like a film or animated series. It also seems limited since the protagonist is a villain. When a series has a superhero as a protagonist, he or she can fight many foes and evils. This concept suggests that week after week, Von Kaiser will try to destroy the city. We don't see a lot of variety. And his antagonist isn't clear. Nemesis is his nemesis, but there's no real person fighting him week after week. The love interest comes very late in the script and is the only element that tells us other directions the show can go in.

How it can be improved:

As wonderful as it is, it feels more like a feature film, "Austin Powers" type comedy than an ongoing series. Possibly because the comedy and jokes are the star but the world and characters aren't really grounded or compelling enough. It's very cartoony. This would be great for a feature, or if it were a series, it would do well as an animated one. There, audiences would enjoy and accept this sort of caricature world week after week more readily. It's not until the end that we see a possible love interest and opening to other stories. The future episode guide lets us know a lot of other things that will occur but the pilot doesn't. All we see is a mad scientist wanting to take over the world. We assume that's what it will be. If the show will deal with other areas of a mad scientist's life, it needs to set that up more in the pilot. Although he's goofy, our main character is a villain. That's hard to identify with. Once it opens up to other areas of his life, it will help. Then we will be able to see the story lines that will sustain a series for weeks and possibly years. And while Nemesis is evil himself, right now he stops Von Kaiser and comes off more as a good guy. A superhero. This also makes us realize that the protagonist (who is normally an antagonist) doesn't have a force of good to balance him out. Von Kaiser gives the mayor five minutes to come up with the chocolate, but it feels like a lot more than five minutes have gone by with all that is occurring. There are typos, even in the first paragraph and the whole script feels a little short.

Next step:

It's a cute piece. Address the above issues and it will be even better.

Slamdance Teleplay Competition
Coverage for Dr. von Kaiser (Reader #47454)

Evaluation:

“Dr. Von Kaiser,” a presentation and pilot script for an “animated” half hour comedy fantasy program, tells of the conflict between evil scientists Drs. Von Kaiser and Nemesis, whose rivalry in extortionate deviltry tends to make life miserable for the Mayor and citizens of a nearby and unnamed city. Enter a third antagonistic protagonist in the person of Dr. Sapphire representing the distaff side of principal characterizations. It becomes apparent in the pilot episode that Dr. Sapphire intends to trump Von Kaiser and Nemesis. This presentation has a number of noteworthy strengths in terms of adherence to format, pilot plot and narrative structure, including good pacing. Based on the current presentation we do have reservations about the extensibility, or “series legs,” of the concept. Bear in mind that a continuing episodic series, especially a half-hour series, must survive on air for five seasons, or a minimum of 100 episodes, in order for the producer to begin to realize real profit from stripping and syndication. Appropriate to the format of this series proposal half hour programs are limited to sit-com subject matter, including often commentary comedic material such as “The Simpsons.” But, it is also well to consider that comedic material and effect is the hardest of all dramatic forms to bring off successfully and to maintain week after week. For those reasons and others sit-com proposals, fantasy and otherwise, bear the closest scrutiny by industry decision makers and accordingly have perhaps the highest rejection rate. We offer the following comments only for the writer’s general information, which comments are not necessarily intended to reflect on the creative value of the presentation.

What works:

We readily acknowledge the writer’s wise appreciation of television format constrictions; such conformity goes a long way toward getting the presentation a fair hearing from producers and Networks. The pilot script length is good for a half-hour commercial broadcast time slot. Though dialogue should be double, rather than single, spaced in television format still the script and the story itself are within acceptable length. The writer also wisely tells a complete story with the right depth of exposition, character/action development and conclusion, within format constraints. Old fashioned, somewhat eccentric and cranky Von Kaiser vies with eternal new fangled nemesis Dr. Nemesis to extort millions from the city. Kaiser manages his usual trick of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, just as the writer conceives in the character sketches. Not only does he negotiate himself out of any ransom money he gets bamboozled out of any triumphant evil glory by Dr. Nemesis’s ruby laser. Nemesis manages to end up as the hero and Von Kaiser is left where he began the plot—with nothing and the perfectly hollow satisfaction of taking out his failure on the hapless Minions. The pilot story is thus a neat, rather charming and thoroughly simple and coherently told little tale just right for a half-hour episode. It is an especially good story in that it manages to introduce all the necessary principals, as well as involving them in a fully rounded story, all within format constraints, including Dr. Sapphire. Not uncommonly, spec television writers fail to tell a complete pilot story, try to introduce too many characters and end up with a pilot story both incomplete, too long and with much too slow a pace. The writer here is due much credit for very professionally avoiding these pitfalls.

What doesn't work:

Nothing out rightly “doesn’t work” in this series proposal. We only question the series legs of the concept. In that regard we would like to see many more future episodic mini-synopses. For any continuing series proposal the more good, taut future episode synopses the writer can provide the stronger case he or she makes to decision makers that the concept has the critical extensibility/survivability. Take care to insure that each future episode synopsis is a full paragraph long, telling the premise for episode conflict, the main points of what happens as principal action and the resolution of the story. Give the producer, development executive or other decision maker as many of these reasons as possible to further consider the presentation.

How it can be improved:

In addition to more future episode synopses we suggest making it categorically clear to the decision maker just what form the series should best take. The writer describes the concept as being “animated.” We are not sure whether the writer means that the series should be an animated cartoon. Always clarify the concept as much as possible so that anyone considering the proposal will have no doubt as to precisely what the writer proposes. We suggest that the concept could be developed in one of two ways: as a completely animated cartoon series or as a combination of live action and animation/CGI. Offhand we do not think the concept lends itself to all live action because of the Minions and all of the gizmos, gizmo effects and outer space production value required, unless the idea is to purposefully introduce an overall cheesy look to the goings-on, like primitive fifties live TV science fiction—“Tom Corbett Space Cadet,” “Captain Video” and the like. Though the cheesy effect might work it could prove harder to manage in the long run. All animation would certainly be cheaper though combo live action/animation might well be more survivable and interesting a realization of the concept. It would also probably be a good deal more expensive. However, we have a good pilot story rendition of the concept and with the right future episode synopses it might well appeal. By all means succinctly give the decision maker as much information about the realization of the concept as possible so that the presentation will receive the fairest hearing. Just as an example for a future episode—perhaps even the second one—Dr. Sapphire comes to earth and decides to trump Von Kaiser’s jade laser and Nemesis’s ruby laser with her “Blu-Ray.” It’s clear she is not here to do battle with HD format, but to put Von Kaiser and Nemesis out of business and to put the hapless city in hock to her for generations. Von Kaiser, Nemesis and the Mayor reluctantly have to join forces. Naturally Von Kaiser and Nemesis battle for leadership of the fight against Sapphire who fends both of them off while they helplessly take swings at each other as well as at her, until Von Kaiser comes up with the “UV-Ray,” that penetrates Sapphire’s defenses due to its ultra high frequency and penetrating power. Though Sapphire is neutralized in the story she’ll be back, like Darth Vader being temporarily hurled out of control into space at the end of the first “Star Wars” movie.

Next step:

The writer here presents a very neat and promising concept for a comedic science fiction fantasy that could prove appealing and marketable, not to mention highly “brandable” and merchandisable. Bear in mind that a series with by-product potential these days can smell like good off network profits to an astute decision maker. More and more advertisers are getting back into the act of participating in program financing. In effect, the series could become a franchise with copyrighted and trademarked characters and gizmos from the shows appearing as lunch boxes, action figures, puzzles and the like. The writer is off to a very good start with the pilot script and presentation. Develop it further and then try to market it. We hope the writer will give serious consideration to the foregoing comments and wish him or her success with the project.

"Dr. Von Kaiser" makes Slamdance semifinalist

"Dr. Von Kaiser", a pilot concept by Aaron Matthew Kaiser and Michael Callahan and screenplay by yours truly, John M. Osborne, is a top semifinalist at the Slamdance Teleplay Contest ( http://www.slamdance.com/teleplay/).

The Top 20 will be announced December 3rd, and the Top 3 will be announced on December 14th, so keep your fingers crossed.

If you would like a direct link to view the project on here, go to http://www.tribehollywood.com/Motor_DisplayProject?projectid=-640528394 (otherwise, the official project website is located at http://www.whoisdvk.com)